Q: In TN if I died and I had a safety deposit box that I didn't tell my wife about would she be notified and gain access
A: Some banks, most likely the smaller one, might be alert enough to notice a customer's passing due an obituary in the local newspaper, but it seems much more likely to me that the only notice your family would get would be a bill for the monthly or annual rent for the box. If an estate is administered, the representative of your estate can gain access to the box, but not necessarily your wife ( just because she is your wife). Her name is not on the box so only the court appointed representative of your estate has the right to access.
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