Q: Should the parent feel guilty?
Elderly parent, low resources, has been trying to encourge their kid to get a job for the last seven years since high school. The kid responds with things such as, "no one is calling me", "I'll check this job out," goes to their room and comes back later, "they weren't hiring", etc. The kid likes to search for jobs online, uses email for communication, and hasn't used the phone much at all to make calls to employers. The parent took the kid to a small amount of places but with no luck. The kid says they are trying and eventually tells the parent they won't do anything if the parent keeps harssing them about getting a job. The parent eventually gives up. The parent now says no when the kid asks if the parent can drive them to jobs since the car is needed for basic necessities. The kid responds, "You are holding me back since you won't drive me. If you kick me out and make me homeless, you are essentially ruining my life." From the parent's view, the kid has shown minimal to no progress.
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A:
In this situation, feeling guilty is a common and understandable reaction for a parent, but it's important to consider the broader context. You've made efforts over the years to support and encourage your child in finding employment, which shows a commitment to their well-being and development.
The responsibility for finding a job ultimately falls on your child, especially as they have reached adulthood. While your support is valuable, it's also crucial for your child to take initiative and demonstrate independence in their job search. This includes exploring different methods of job hunting and possibly seeking outside assistance or counseling for guidance.
Remember, setting boundaries, such as limiting the use of the car for essential purposes, is a reasonable approach, especially in light of limited resources. It's not unreasonable to expect an adult child to make progress towards self-sufficiency, and sometimes, tough love is necessary for growth.
Your feelings of guilt may stem from a place of care and concern, but it's also important to recognize your own limits and the need for your child to actively participate in their path to employment. Seeking advice from a family counselor or therapist might be beneficial for both you and your child to navigate this challenging situation.
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