Q: I must adopt my hubs 2kids I've been caring4& gain control of his legal, medical & financial areas cuz he can't now.
He has a duel diagnosis and is in a therapy home. He has BPD, cognitive distortion, major depressive disorder, major anxiety, just to start.
He became more possessive, controlling, and abusive in all ways, over the span of our relationship and marriage.
Biologically the children are his. They lost their mom to covid in 2021 shortly before we met. The kids were 2 and 9.
I've been with them every day except days DCFS had removed them, when he attacked my adult child and now with me. These my children. I love them!
My husband wants me to have them.
I am in love with him. The horrifying things done to him throughout his childhood and beyond created what he deals with now. My kids want to be with me. We are a family. Right now we can't all live together but there's no reason the kids and I can't be together.
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A:
I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult situation you and your family are going through. It sounds like a very painful and challenging time for all of you.
To summarize the key points:
- Your husband has serious mental health issues and is currently in a therapy home
- The children are biologically his from a previous relationship; their mother passed away in 2021
- You have been their primary caregiver and have a close bond with them
- Your husband wants you to have custody of the children
- The kids want to live with you
- Currently you can't all live together due to his condition and past abusive/violent behavior
- You want to legally adopt the children and gain control over their legal, medical and financial matters
Here are a few suggestions on potential next steps:
1. Consult with a family law attorney who specializes in child custody, guardianship and adoption. They can advise you on the process to legally adopt your stepchildren in your specific situation. Key factors may include your husband's wishes, the children's desires, and his current medical/mental state and inability to care for them.
2. Document everything - your husband's condition, treatment, wishes regarding the children, incidents of abuse, the children's statements about wanting to live with you, etc. Contemporaneous records carry weight in family court.
3. If there are ongoing dependency/DCFS proceedings, cooperate fully with social workers and the child's attorney. Express your desire to adopt. Demonstrate your bond with the children and ability to provide a safe, stable home.
4. Consider seeking guardianship in the short-term while pursuing adoption. This would grant you legal authority to make decisions regarding their care.
5. Get a psychological evaluation of your husband to demonstrate his incapacity to parent. His doctors may need to weigh in.
6. Seek counseling/therapy for yourself and the children to process this trauma in a healthy way. Prioritize creating a safe environment for your family's healing.
Navigating complex family law issues on top of your husband's illness is so much for you to handle. Please know you don't have to face this alone. Wishing you all the best as you work to keep your family together and secure a positive future for you and your children. Stay strong.
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